Hello everyone!  This is Ayrie's friend Mel.  She asked me to write an entry for you guys so I thought I would tell you a little about our friendship.  Please forgive me because I tend to be long winded.  Also I will try not to be cheesy but for some reason I feel like I'm giving a testimony at an AA meeting. (Hello, my name’s Mel and I am a chronic friend...)

 

Okay back to Ayrie.  To be completely honest with you I can not remember how we met or what happened to make us such good friends.  I only remember us being friends.  Saying before Ayrie is like saying before high school or before the accident.  It just happened and that was that.  My first real memories of Ayrie were when we went to Wxml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comashington D. C.  Ayrie, Fionnah, another girl who shall remain nameless for fear of bring up bad old memories, and I all shared a room together.  Ayrie and I shared a bus seat I think.  We slept most of the way because we were driving at night.  Somehow we survived the trip full of seat kicking, snoring, food fights, and three AM serenades by geeking baritone players.  (Ayrie, you know who I'm talking about "You, You got what I need...)  Ayrie, Fionnah, and I were inseparable the entire trip.  Of course this upset Nameless but I'm not real sure why?  I think it had something to do with another baritone player (Far less geeky that the rest) that she assumed one or all of us had stolen from her claw like grasp.

 

After that you can forget about seeing one without the other.  Of course we only shared one class together and that was band and of course none of us played the same instrument so we never got to talk to each other.  So we talked constantly on the phone, three-way was our best friend. (Six-way if boys were involved) Of course this bothered the parental units because the lines were always busy.  So we had to become a little more creative.  This is where the notebook became involved.  None of us had very good luck at hiding notes from the teachers so we took turns buy notebooks to write notes to each other in.  We would write the note then pass it to the first one we saw in the hall on the way to the next class.  Most of these notes involved boys or more accurately...THEM.  (I would love to elaborate on them for you but those of you who know who THEY are understand that it is completely impossible)  Let me just say that to the minds of 3 hormonally gifted teenage girls THEY were the supreme beings.  I had Spanish with one of THEM.  He sat behind me and bugged the crap out of me, but of course it was one of THEM so I loved every minute of it.  THEY also attended my church so I always got to see THEM one extra day over Ayrie and Fionnah.  I don't think they were jealous that I was so lucky but I could be wrong.  Spanish THEM somehow or other introduced me to the other THEM and that became Ayrie's passion.  My THEM was a player.  Ayrie's THEM was studious.  I can't remember if Fionnah really liked THEM or just made fun of Ayrie and me because we liked THEM.  It was probably a little of both.

 

Okay let us fast forward a little.  As everyone knows, the mall is the average hang out for all teenagers at some point in their lives.  In walk the Farmer and the Mormon.  These two guys somehow weaseled there ways into our lives and burroughed under our skin.  Farmer and Mormon were best friends at a rival high school.  I started dating Farmer and Ayrie started dating Mormon.  Dating was questionable because the only one that had a car was Farmer so usually there were three or more of us out at a time.  Then Farmer had to be let go. This was for obvious reasons because be the Hip chic that I was and still am I had no room for Farmer.  (That was a joke the truth is that Farmer turned out to be to big a jerk for me to deal with anymore)  At the same time Ayrie and Mormon broke up and Mormon and I started dating.  Ayrie and I talked about this some years later and she said it didn't bother her.  I felt guilty for a while afterward but she reassured me that it was okay.  I think that Brad had snuck in to the fold a little bit.  All three of us had guys that we didn't share with the others.  Which was good because it gave us more to talk about and helped us further annoy the parental units.

 

Then I moved away.  We would all keep in touch through phone calls and letters.  Mostly letters.  We even made a few cassette tapes.  (I still have all of the ones Ayrie and Fionnah sent me and listen to them periodically to get a good laugh) I made a few trips to visit in college and Ayrie came down to visit me.  I remember the time Leroy and I went to see Ayrie and we had to pretend we were married because she had a nosey landlady that didn't like overnight visited that were not married.  We had a great time but that was the first time I met Ayrie's then Heartthrob.  She was very upset at him because he acted like a jerk.  I don't understand why he was acting that way unless he was trying to impress Leroy but Leroy couldn't really care what Heartthrob did.  Ayrie was a really great host.  Even though Leroy and I are not together anymore we still remember that trip as one of the best we ever had together.  I think Leroy secretly had a crush on Ayrie because when she came to visit me he tried to kiss her in the airport.

 

I was surprised when Ayrie asked me to be her maid of honor when she and Tristian tied the knot.  I just figured she would have asked Varuka.  But she didn't and I was very happy to do the honor for her.  She and Tristian have come down to visit me in Little Rock and they got to meet Emilio.  She listen to me complain alot and gripe and cry about Emilio.  Not that he is a bad guy in anyway just that he is so very different from other guys I dated, especially Leroy who I thought I was going to marry.  So we really are more like sisters than friends because we are always there for each other.

 

Now Ayrie is much more Jesus oriented since high school.  I am very happy that she has found herself in God's kingdom and I am also happy that she found someone like Tristian that feels similar.  I know that her times periodically get tough with Tristian but you have to expect that from younger guys.  I think that is Emilio's problem sometimes too.  Anyway I pray that I will be able to be as happy in life when I get married.  I forgot where I was going with this but I remembered now.  Ayrie has found Jesus.  Great I'm happy for her.  However I still remember the Ayrie from high school and it tickles me sometimes how she hasn't changed like some people do when they find God.  I am glad too because even though I believe in God and all of his goodness I don't like it when people "find God".  Sometimes people should think about that phrase.  God never needed to be found you only had to realize that He was always with you.  Ayrie is the best example of that.  She has God in her life and just made some adjustments to better please Him in her life.  But I bet every once in a while she thinks of THEM and sighs just like I do.

 

Saturday morning Tristian and I slept in.  We finally rolled our lazy butts out of bed about 11.  We piddled around the house until about 3.  I was waiting to see if the forecasted rain was going to come before I decided whether or not we were going or not.  Varuka called and said that she and Angst were going to bail out of the whole invite.  Which was totally expected so that didn't even phase me.  Every weather thing I read said that rain would start about 3pm and last until 9pm.  So I had to make a decision.  So I did.  Rain or shine we were going.  So I packed my Hard Rock Cafe (New Orleans) mini backpack with things like small towels and umbrellas, money, digital camera, and id. We finally got to the field shortly before 4pm.  There were tons and tons of people there.  Small stages were playing off to the side of the larger stage.  The one act I caught seemed really good.  When they wrapped up, Tristian made a break for the smoking area and I decided I might take my chances at the porta potties.  When I think "porta potties"  all that comes to mind is the word "gross."  Thank goodness for hand sanatizer.  So Tristian and I get up to leave our lovely new take with you chairs.  You know the ones... everyone has one now... just about.  As we are about to head out, I hear my name being shouted from across the sea of people.

 

"Ayrie! Ayrie!"

 

I look up and low and behold there is Dot.  She is with her family and some other friends of ours from church.  She motions me over.  We hug.  Chit chat insues.  Others join in.  Then Dot tells me that some other friends of ours are on the otherside of the sound stage and so we go for a visit.  More hugs.  More chit chat.  Pictures insue.  Tristian has left me at this point and has only one thing on his mind... a smoke.  Which is fine with me... I was well entertained while he was gone.  Upon Tristian's return we got to the snack area in the back and I purchase two large pepsi's and he gets in line for the tater twirl thingys.  The tater thing was HUGE.  It was pretty good but way too salty.  I handed most of it back to Tristian to finish off.  He could not even finish it... and that is saying something!  

 

The main stage opened up.  The hosts (WAAY. FM and The Fix) talked for a few minutes, gave out a few t-shirts, and introduced the first act of the evening which was Lee Marshall.  Better known to me as news anchor for Channel 48.  She was going to sing.  She had a beautiful voice.  She sung three songs and the last one was so sad.  It was one she wrote about a friend she was close too that died and left a two year old daughter behind.  The friend had left her husband a list of things to remember to do for their daughter because she would not be there to see that it got done.  It was small things from remember to make sure all her clothes match before seding her to school to giving her an extra kiss on her wedding day.  It was incredibly sad and it make tears well up in my eyes. 

 

Next, Jeff Deyo takes the stage.  He is the former lead singer from Sonic Flood.  I fact I learned from Dot's husband earlier on that day.  As soon as he started singing, I instantly recognized most all of the songs.  Tristian and I have pretty good seats.  Almost center stage and about a fourth of the way back.  Teenagers begin to fill the front and dance and worship and it is really cool to read the back of all their cool t-shirts.  Some say, "I Got Jesus."  "Church Punk," "My passion is the Christ," "I get down, he lifts me up. (lyrics to an Audio Adrenaline song)",etc. 

 

After Jeff Deyo Tristian decides he is hungry again.  A few hours have passed since the tater twirls (and we haven't really ate a whole meal that day) and so we ventur out to the vendors again.  This time Tristian gets nachos and I get chicken fingers.  We cop a squat on a grassy knoll near the vendors  and share our eats.  My chicken is piping hot and very good.  Tristian's nachos are good too.  We are just munching and crunching along.  Watching all the kids walk around in a cruising like circle around the field.  We see kids playing football and tossing frizbees a little further out.  A kid with a mohawk passes right by me and someone stops him for a picture so I decide to grab one too.  Tristian and I both make small jokes about the mohawk.  I know the dern thing made Tristian remanicsent of his hellion days where having a mohawk was a totally acceptable idea.    We have a few more laughs and then decide to head back.  Tristian makes a bee line for the nearest smoking section and on the way I run into my cousins. 

 

It was totally unexpected.  I never thought in a million years I would see my favorite cousin in the world at a Christian concert but there she was.  The more she talked the more I realized, "Hey... I think she is a christian too?"  Which was great.  Then I find out that she now attends a church my friend Rickey pastors.  I told her Rickey was a great preacher and his church definately had God at the core if he was heading it and that she was in good hands.  She agreed.  With her was her niece but also my cousin.  The last time I seen her she was probably 8 or 9.  Now here she was 13 and she had boobies.  I was both shocked and a bit giggly.   Then I started thinking about when I first started gettting boobs and I guess she is right on schedule.  She was dressed kind a Avril Laveneish so she was totally cool in my book.  She was checking out every Goth looking guy that showed up.  Which was cute in a way but I bet her mom would not think so.  All three of us got into a about a 30 minute conversation.  I eventually had to end it by saying that Tristian is probably wondering where the heck I am by now.  We said our goodbye's, I took a few pictures, and headed back to my seat. 

 

Right when I got back to my seat, Jeff Deyo took the stage again for another set.  Tristian and I enjoyed it throughly.  When Jeff Deyo finished up, Tristian headed for another smoke and I decided to visit with Dot again.  A group of us decided to venture around to all the music booths and check out cd's and t-shirts.  That lasted about 20 minutes.  I notice however that the field was extremely packed.  I was sure that last years numbers were nothing in comparison.  I was also sure all these people were here to see Audio Adrenaline more than anything.  By the time we made it back to Dot's seats it was so backed and dark (night had fallen) that I wasn't sure if I would find my way back to my seats.  But I decided to follow my instincts and at least try to find Tristian and our seats.  Five minutes later after stepping on a few toes and pushing unused chairs and ground blankets aside I caught a glimspe of Trisitan's shirt.  Luckily he was whearing the bright blue/yellow/orange flame shirt I bought him in Gulf Shores a few years back.  He did look ultra cool in it. 

Audio Adrenaline was already onstage by the time I got to my seat and began to sing.  I didn't recognize all their songs.  Probably because alot were new but I did recognize alot like: 

 

Big Big House- "Come and go with me... to... my father's house.... come and go with me... to... my father's house.  It's a big big house with lots and lots of room... a big big table with lots and lots of food... a big big yard where we can play football... a big big house... it 's my father's house."

 

Ocean Floor- "Your sins are forgotten... their at the bottom.. of the ocean floor." 

 

Under Dog- "That's the way, uh-huh, we like it!  That's the way, uh-huh, we like it!  You can call me the underdog. '"

 

Hands & Feet- "I want to be your hands...I want to be your feet...I'll go where you send me...
I'II go where you send me."

 

There was alot of good audience participation where some real singing talent was found  in the crowd.  I think it shocked Audio Adrenaline abit when this big black girl wailed out their lyrics.  She was great. 

 

The show ended with an encore of course where AA sung "We're an American Band."  The crowd roared.  Then it was all smoke and lights and then silence.  The crowd let out a big cheer then everyone headed home.  It had been a good night. 

 

On the way home, Tristian and I stopped at the gas station to use the restroom and I walked into my bathroom turned around, the door shut and then I realized ... "I don't have a door knob on  this side... how am I going to get out?"  I decided to ignore the fact long enough to go to the bathroom.  After my business was done I washed my hands and went for the door.  You could not push it open.  I fiddled with the place where the door handle USE to be for a few minutes then I heard on the other side of the door, "You locked in?"  I laughed and said that I was and they said they would get help.  In the mean while I continued to fiddle with the door and it suddenly popped open.  I had saved myself.  I could not wait to run back to the car and tell Tristian so we could have a good laugh.  We joked that people go into that gas station but that doesn't mean they ever come out.  On the drive back, the first pelts of rain began to fall.  It was close to 10pm.  The late night news weather  showed that the rain clouds just started to fade away as they got closer and closer to the field where Soul Stock was held.  If that isn't God... 

 

 

 

I had a great time with Brad this weekend even if we ended up working all weekend on his photography website.    I mean we worked non-stop just about.  Which is ok with me because it was time mixed up with two of my favorite things:  web design and Brad.

 

Friday, Brad picked me up for lunch and we went to a chinese place.  We talked like we had never been apart.  I don't know about you but talking over the internet through email and chat just isn't the same as having them right there so you can look them in the eyes.  I was extremely glad to see him. 

 

After lunch, I had to go back to work but we agreed to meet back up at my house at 6.  I figured that Tristian was wanting to meet Brad (finally) and we could go grab a bite to eat and then come back to my place (oh that sound dirty doesn't it) ... and work on Brad's website.  That was the main reason for his trip down.  So Brad arrived.  Tristian was being all weird and would not get out of bed.  He came home from work and went to bed.  So Brad and I talked on the couch for a bit and caught up.  Tristian finally decided to get up and be an TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT.  Ohhh the things I could say about how he was acting.  I immediately had flash backs to the time when Mel came down and he showed her some toys we had in the first 10 minutes of meeting her.  And I ain't talking cars and baby doll toys either... if you know what I mean.  The whole thing was going somewhere bad and fast so I took some authorit-TI.  Yeah, I was being a bit bossy but Tristian had to know that I meant I wasn't putting up with any bullcrap.  He calmed down a little.  We had a nice dinner but I could tell that Brad was thinking that Tristian was a complete joke.  How could I tell?  I was thinking it louder than he was. 

 

After dinner we worked on the website for a few hours and Tristian went to bed.  I kept thinking, 'THANK GOODNESS!"  We got quit a bit done on the site that first night.  Actually, it was a bit tidious but Brad and I chatted and coded, chatted and coded.  It was kinda nice.  About 11:30 he headed back to his hotel and I headed into the house to do battle.  Tristian was up by now and I lite into him.  He tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about but he did.  He knew I knew that he knew his behaviour was nothing short of moronic and I told him so.  We fussed about 10 minutes and he finally admited he was being an ass and said he would try not to embarrass me on purpose like that again. 

 

The next morning bright an early, Brad shows back up at my apartment.  We work steadly on the site.  Tristian gets up about 11:00.  He is much more reserved and more like his regular self.  He is terribly jealous because I have a guy friend.  I can tell.  But I am thinking that he should just get over himself.  I have lots of guy friends, I am just a little bit closer to Brad than the others is all.  By 1:00 Tristian is on his way to work.  Brad and I break for lunch about 2:30-3:00.  We ride up to Sonic and have a burger.  We sit in the car while Nickleback plays in the background.  We talk about all the freaks we knew and hung out with in high school.  Laughed at some of the stupid crap we did.  I doupped Brad out of paying the check.  Which was a wonderful victory since he kept buying me food and drinks all weekend.  I tried to stop him.  He keeps claiming that it will doesn't even begin to repay me for helping him with his website but I know deep down inside, he likes to treat the ladies fine.   Brad has always been a gentleman and I only hope some of it would rub off on Tristian.  I have to have long conversations with Tristian on why women like men to open doors for them and pull out chairs.  He hasn't gotten it yet.  Brad on the other hand has always been like that.  The boy has good character deep in his bones. 

 

After lunch, we worked more on the site.  We got to the point where we needed to load some images (lots of images) into the webshell so we decided to go to Brad's hotel and use the DSL they had there.  I had never used DSL in my life so you know to a big webpage computer dork like me, I was on cloud nine fiddling with the thing.  It was awesome.  (I bet some of you haven't gotten past the sentence that says I went to Brad's hotel have you?... Relax..  the hotel had a computer room in the hallway in his floor with see through glass doors.  Dirty minded reader... bad... bad!)  We worked on the website until Tristian got off of work at 9 pm.  We were both mentally drained.  Coding sucks the life out of you if you let it.  We left heading by to my apt.  But first we stopped at the drug store where Brad jumped out and bought some medicine for his allergies.  Poor thing had red puff eyes and he looked dogged tired.  I worked the boy too hard for one day, I could tell.  We stopped and got some Mickey D's through the drive through and then headed on home. 

 

Tristian was there when we got there.  He hadn't been home long.  He gave me this look coming in the door that said, "Man am I pissed at you!"  To which I was thinking, "I don't give a rip.  Ayrie's brain tired."  Brad hung around long enough to eat his fries and try to make polite conversation with Tristian.  Tristian was not rude but not polite either.  I thought, "Oh Lord... round two." 

 

Brad left.  Tristian and I chatted for a minute.  I could tell something was wrong.  I finally got him to tell me what and all I could preceive while he was bantering away was, "blah blah blahhhh, I'm a neandrathal.  Blah?  BLAH!"  I finally told him not to put me in a position to choose my friends over him.  I told him he would not be acting like this if it was one of my friends that was female came down.  (To admit he wouldn't.)  I told him I wasn't doing anything I wasn't suppose to and only hanging out and helping a friend that I have known over half my life.  I don't even get to see my friends that often and that he needed to just chill out.  I told him that the way he has been acting tells me alot about what he thinks about me and my character and that it will be in the back of mind somewhere for the rest of our marriage.  I argued that he was fine about the whole thing until Brad was actually here in the flesh but all the sudden he's all weird about it?  Didn't make sense to me.  I told him I would not make a choice over my husband or my friends.  And that if he forced me to it was just showing me that he was not acting in love towards me, but in some stupid jealousy thing.  What really shut him up was when I pointed out that he had not been acting out in love according to the bible's standards (1 Cor 13).  This made him really think... and think hard.  Then I think he finally realized what he was doing.  How he was acting.   We ended by agreeing to disagree on  the matter.  The whole fuss took about 20 minutes.  We were not mad at each other after that.  I was too tired to be.  In all actuality, before I went to the seminar last week I think I would have handled that whole thing alot differently.  In a way that would have totally put Tristian and I at wanting to choke each other.  So even though I was tired I was still diplomatic and that made the last day... Sunday alot better. 

 

Sunday, TIME CHANGE!  Man did that screw me up.  I remembered it changed but I didn't remember to set my clocks forward before I went to bed.  So I was an hour late meeting Brad.  Back in the computer room with the wonderful DSL.  I want some DSL so bad now.  I have been ruined... totally ruined.  We worked all morning.  Tristian slept in so about 12:30 I called him told him what we were doing.  Told him that Brad and I might get some lunch.  Invited Tristian.  Tristian acted interested.  Brad seemed a bit disappointed we weren't eating alone.  He would never let on but I got the vibe.  I told you.. we're like those twins in different states that burns her hand on the stove and the other one feels it.  We had a nice lunch with Tristian.  Tristian was better behaved but he was still being a bit macho... which is so stupid to me.  Tristian even made some comment like, "I think I should be in porno."  I busted out laughing and said, "Why?"  Brad laughed.  We looked at each other like, "Ha ha... he's trying to tell us he has a big one."  Then Tristian started talking about all the guys I dated when I was seeing him those first few months.  Which I didn't like at all because you never know what is coming out of his mouth next at this point.  Then Tristian said something about he must have been some kind catch if I married him.  Then Brad said, "Yeah a real catch huh?"  and winked at me.  I could not help but laugh.   Brad understood all too well. 

 

I tooks some pics of Brad at the end of the day and one before he left out.  It was really sad to think that he was on his way back to Tennessee. 

 

Tristian and I went to Birmingham for the rest of the day and my pictures can be found here.

Well after long last, I am back from my trip to Memphis, Tennessee.  I had an awesome time.  Got to reunite with some great women from the last conference.  I can't wait until I can go back next year.  Now without further adue:

 

Thursday, March 25, 2004

 

We're Off!

 

We left the church about 2:30 and arrived at our hotel after 6:00.  Tristian saw me off.  It was his birthday but we had done a weeks worth of celebrating before we ever made the 15 minute ride to our church parking lot.  Our hotel was the Wingate Inn on Germantown Pkwy.  Surpisingly enough, our rooms were lovely and spacious.  However, I wish I could say the same about the conference room.  It was incredibly tiny and I don't see how we fit 40 people in it at one time.  It could not have been any bigger than our hotel room.  I am not joking. 

 

Upon our arrival, we were greeted with friendly faces that we had come to know and love.  It was exciting to see all my friends from last year:  Val, Debbie, Jane, Jo, Angie, and Stacey.  I also got to meet some new faces that I instantly took to.  The ride down seemed a bit long towards the end but until we hit the Tennessee line it was full of stories about family and friends that made us all laugh, sigh, or awww.  Only six of us (me, Shari, Judy, Dottie, Regan, and Tina) got to go this year but that is fine because we had a blast.  I ended up rooming with Tina and two other girls from Arkansas (Deliliah and Teresa). 

 

Debbie M.  was definately the dominating presence of the entire meeting.  Not that she was overbearing but that she is great at leadership and getting the ball rolling.  She was (how you say...) "Large and in charge."  Actually, Debbie M.  is anything from being large.  In fact, I have always thought she could easily pass for Faith Hills (not too much) older sister.  But not only is she beautiful outside but inside as well. 

 

The first thing we did after checking into our rooms was to head to the dinning area and get some amazing dinner.  We had three different pasta dishes: chicken alfredo, vegetable lasagna, and beef ravioli.  A salad and garlic bread was provided and I have to admitthat  it was some dern good food.  Perhaps, it was so good because of the long ride to Memphis or maybe just because I was starving.  But I ate my fill.  Dessert was a brownie.  It was half burnt so I could only eat half. 

 

After dinner, the conference began.  It was about 8:00, I guess.  First speaker up was my assistant pastor and incidentally the same woman that hitched Tristian and I together.  She spoke on Building the House of the Lord.  She had me rolling in the aisles with all her "here's the deal" jokes.  She has always been funny like that.  One time she wrote a song called "Jesus is the Baddest" to the music for the song  "Funky Cold Madena."  She says things like "Let it rip... tater chip!"  She is a real with you kinda person and you never have to wonder what she is thinking.  I think the best thing she said during her lecture was this: "Your purpose beat you here (to earth before you were ever born)."  I was left in awe. 

 

The conference ended for the night about 10:00 and everyone returned to their room.  Some of us hung out in our rooms laughing and telling stories, jokes, and secrets.  (There is a rule at our women's conference that will never be broken and that rule is, "What is said in your rooms... stays in your rooms."  That means that our rooms is a type of sanctuary and if someone needs to talk about things... those things never leave the room.)  I was really tired and planned on reading my book and then turning in.  That is until Stacey, Shena, and Laura knocked on our door.  They ended up convincing me, Deliliah, and Teresa to go get in the big hot tub downstairs.  Boy am I glad I did.  That hot tub ROCKED!  The clorine was a bit too much but man was it refreshing.  We stayed over an hour sitting and laughing it up with about 15 other girls in our group. 

 

By the time I got back to my room all my roomies were passed out but I was suddenly refreshed.  So, I took a shower, put on my pj's, grabbed my book, my calling card, and a pen and headed back to the downstairs lobby.  I made the ever faithful, "I got here safely." call to Tristian.  We said our "I love you's" and our " I miss you's," and then finally our "goodnights."  The lobby had these great cushy sofa's so I sat down and made myself at home.  I have been reading "The Purpose Driven Life."  It is excellent.  I think everyone should commit to reading it. 

 

Friday, March 26, 2004

 

I didn't get down to breakfast fast enough (which is pretty typical of my character) and I had to hurry and eat so that the next day of the conference would not start without me.  I ate some cereal and a bagel.  I grabbed a coke from the machine on my way down so I had caffine goodness to help wake me up.  Only I don't really like coke that much.  It is way too strong and more carbony than sweet like pepsi.  I squeezed into the conference at the last minute. 

We started off with some really intimate praise and worship and I soon began to love the song we were singing over and over and over.  It was called, "I Desire" and it went like:

I desire... to be like you,

Just like a son or a daughter,

I want to be like my Father.

I desire... to be like you,

You swore you would never forsake me,

And I'll risk it all if you make me,

More like you.

(ending chorus)

Father, I want to be just like you,

Daddy, I want to be just like you,

Father, I want to be just like you,

I want to be just like you.

 

The first speaker was Val.  She gave the most beautiful message about being the bride of Christ.  I had never seen myself in this light before.  she spoke about Esther (or should I say 'Establish Her).  How Esther spent a year soaking in oils (the anointing) and perfumes to spend just one night with the king (Jesus).  Esther went to the king pure and brought nothing from the outside world into his world.  She could have brought something in with her for comfort but she choose not to.  Because of this the king fell deeply in love with her.  He had hundreds in his herems but he fell in utter total love with Esther.  Then Val related it to our walk with God and questioned if or how we were preparing to meet God.  I really became reflective about my life's walk when Val started going deep into the heart of her message. 

 

We got to take a ten minute break and then Debbie G.  was our next speaker.  Her sermon was called, "Get Out of the Boat." Debbie comes off as very timid and shy but since last year she has done a total 180.  She was bold and funny and inspirational.  I was so glad for her.  She taught on why we are not going after our calling.  She related us to the disciples in the boat when Jesus came walking onto the water and said that Peter was the only one that knew God's voice and he got out of the boat to seek him.  Then she said, "Why aren't we getting out of the boat too?  Why do we stay like the other disciples did?"  Bottomline, it is ourselves that keeps us in the boat and not forfilling our purpose in life.   It was a life changing word. 

 

After Debbie spoke some line dancing broke out to some song by Vickie Wynins called "Shake Loose."  It was a song that the girls in Arkansas' church sing all the time and they had DANCE MOVES TO IT!  It was a song about getting rid of your burdens and being free. 

 

We broke for lunch which was wraps from Jason's Deli.  It was delicious.  After we ate, about half of us loaded up and went to the mall just down the road.   We were some shopping maniacs.  I found this awesome store called Torrid.  It sells cool clothing like Hot Topics only for sizes 12-26 (plus size).  I had never seen a store like it in my life.  They had the coolest black tank with pink pipping that said, "Beauty School Dropout" on the front.  The other girls had to drag me out of the shop.  The mall was huge like the Galleria in Birmingham, Alabama.  We got back an hour early from shopping so some decided to take a dip in the hot tub again but I chose to retreat to my room.  I spent that time getting to know my new roomies. 

 

Now more than well aquainted we all went down for dinner.  We had Corky's barbeque.  It was pretty good.  We had so much left over that we ended up giving half over to another youth group that was staying at the hotel. 

 

The last speaker of the day was Pastor Hunt.  Man did she rock my world.  She was amazing.  She runs an inner city church in the worst part of Memphis.  She said her congregation usually consists of prostitutes, drug dealers, gang members, and other thugs of society.   She is a very brave woman I thought.  She convinced us that we were not at a conference at all but rather at a RETREAT because we were taking a break from the battles of war to get revamped.  She said a conference refers to the fact that perhaps not all members of the conference are not saved.  Which wasn't the case for us because we all are saved.  So she said we were at a RETREAT instead.  She also spoke about desires and how above all things that God be our ONE desire and everything else falls to second place.  And how if our ONE desire isn't God then we need to get some desires straight in our heart.  I bought the tapes of the conference so I will definately be passing her word out to everone that I know. 

 

With the second night of the conference over, the girls headed to the hot tub once again.  So I joined in this time.  I was able to capture some alone time later that night and read my book.  I noticed I hadn't been shy even once this whole weekend.  Usually that is not the case. 

 

Also, before I forget... I learned that the word "Wingate" (like our hotel name) means Holy Way in the Hebrew.  Cool huh?

 

Saturday, March 27, 2004

I did a little better on time at breakfast and made it on time to the  opening conference.  We went straight in to door prizes when we came in.  All of our tables had been taken away and we now just had chairs in semi-circles.  I won a blue chinese vase that goes with nothing in my apartment.  I think I will pass it off to my mom.  She has some of that stuff in her house and her carpet is blue too.  First speaker up was my pastor's wife.  She spoke about getting in the presence of God.  Worshipping him one on one.  She only spoke for like 15 minutes and then she handed everyone blindfolds.  We used the blindfolds so that we could not see anyone else and they could not see us and we could worship God with out being inhibitated by what people were seeing or thinking. 

 

The next speaker was the fabulous Debbie M.  She spoke about how God give us trials to strenghten our relationship and character with God.  Then everyone began to pray over everyone else and  next thing I know it is time to get on the road.  We are hugging and saying our goodbye's and telling each other that we will see each other next year.  Before I can leave, Val grabs me and tells me that she knows that the women that were at the conference from my church are the ones that are going to strengthen the fellowship between the sisters that didn't get to come this year.  Then she looked at me and said... "It starts with you."  I nodded.  I knew (for a long time) the fellowship between the women in my church wasn't as strong as those of the women in Arkansas and I did want that for my churches women.  I told Val this and she just shook her head like she knew already.

 

We grabbed a bite at Mickey D's on the way home.  The same subject Val talked to me about came up during our conversation and eating.  We all decided that we must get involved with our women at our church and we began making a plan. 

 

We didn't get home until 7?  Probably because we took a 25 mile wrong turn out of Memphis before we realized it.  But we got home safe and sound and everyone had a good time. 

 

All Trip Pictures can be found<a href=http://www.angelfire.com/al4/who_news/CWRetreat2004.html border=0>here</a>.

I am about to give a detailed account of my experience in watching The Passion of the Christ. For those of you that have not seen it and don't want to have the whole thing spoiled for you should skip this entry. Thank you

A crackle of thunder echoed from the screen and gathered every attention of every soul in the room. There were no trailers, no pesky ads, no one complaining about piracy, there was only the crackle of thunder and then the little emblem for Icon flashed in the left hand corner. The screen goes black and these words fade in:

"He was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities, by his strips we were healed..."

Then the words fade to show a harvest moon over looking a foggy garden of Gethsemane below. Every eye is glued to the screen. The kids (8-12 years) in front of me didn't even breath I think. Every seat was filled and every mind was of one accord. My first impression is that as the camera follows a path to reveal Jesus crying out in agony to God about what he is about to go through, it gave you a sense that you were spying or rather looking in on a scene you were not meant to see. Yes, you are a viewer but instantly you become like a shadow secretly seeing a humble man's heart poured out on the ground.

Satan lies in the shadows too. He is feminine yet not. His tongue is cunning and sly as he tries to lull Jesus into believing that the price is too high and one man can't possibly save the entire world. He lulls Jesus the same way he tries to lull us into making wrong decisions based on emotions instead of right and wrong. You could tell Jesus was struggling. As a man, Jesus could see how the task was enormous and it seemed unobtainable but as the Son of God, he was unmovable in his belief that God would have His way in the end.

My impression of Satan throughout the movie was one of utter disgust. He is like that thing you know is no good for you and will come to a bitter end but you want the satisfaction if only for a second. He had maggots crawling in his nostrils, his face showed no emotions, his eyes dark pools of evil, and was soooo manipulative. In the garden he sent a yellow python snake to slither and taunt Jesus as he wept on the ground crying out to God. Jesus' face was speckled with tiny splotches of blood like sweat. (his sweat became as blood they say...) Jesus rose to his feet still in turmoil and mental anguish, sets his face like flint as he looks into Satan's eyes and then with all his might stomps on the snake's head. (the serpent’s head shall bruise his heel...)

Next scene Judas is before the Sanhedrin bargaining over the price to turn Jesus over to them for heiracy and blasphemy. Thirty silver coins are agreed upon and in slow motion the coin bag is tossed to Judas. Inside I am crying, "Judas let it drop to the ground! Don't catch it! You don't know what your doing!" But Judas does catch the bag. The coins spill all around him and the leaders of temple laugh at him. Not for his bad catch but for his lack of loyalty to a friend.

Judas takes the temple guards to where Jesus is. It is as you would expect an expected capture to go. Peter and John were with Jesus. I just love Peter. We all have his spirit. You know the one that would go down fighting for what you believed in or for someone you loved with all your heart. That 'bull in a china shop' spirit that is full of honest intentions. As the guard tried to take Jesus, Peter stepped up and began to fight for Jesus' freedom. He even cut off the ear of one of the guards. Jesus was calm and looked concerned at the guard, picked up his ear off the ground and placed his hand on the side of the guards head. When the hand is pulled away, the guard's ear is completely perfect. As they seize Jesus, he commands Peter's restraint by saying, "Those who live by the sword... die by the sword." Peter relents.

So where is John? You know John... the one that is always bragging he is the disciple 'whom Jesus loved.' Well he had already got the heck outta dodge when Peter started to brawl. Ran like a scared girl. We all have that spirit to run in us too when things get tough.

The guards are pretty pissed off at Jesus now and as they chain him up and drag him to the temple they began to kick, punch, and jab him. Only one guard stays behind. He is the one that got healed. He is dumb struck and in awe. Speechless. He cannot be apart of any capture of Jesus so he doesn't move and is left behind.

Jesus in chains is kicked brutally and at one point it sends him hurling over a small bridge. The chain snaps hold of him at the torso and holds him inches from the ground. He cries out in agony. Jesus looks up and there is Judas under the bridge hiding. He is tormented by his betrayal and is paralyzed as Jesus looks him in the eye. The guards begin to pull Jesus up and back on the bridge. Judas is totally freaking out. Then he hears a sound and turns to see a shadowy demon hissing in his face and then disappear. Judas runs to the temple.

The Sanhedrin taunt and tease Jesus. They demand answers. The people demand answers from the Sanhedrin like: Why is this capture and trial taking place in the middle of the night? Why isn't all of the head priests and rabbi's present for this trial? What is trying to be done in secret? But the Sanhedrin head, Ciaphus, ignores all this. Witnesses come forward say that Jesus cast demons out of possessed people by the authority of other demons, that he healed the sick and lame with demonic powers, that he claimed to be the Messiah and the Son of God. Jesus gives no long speeches but stares straight ahead with one piercing brownish tan eye. His other eye is swollen shut from being punched in the face. Ciaphus finally asks Jesus if he is the Son of God and the Messiah. Jesus replies, "I AM..." The crowd goes crazy and begins to beat Jesus to a pulp. Mary watches in fear and says, "So it has begun... so be it."

The crowd starts terrorizing Peter and saying he is one of Jesus' disciples and should be punished too. Peter is so scared he denies knowing Jesus. He is totally ashamed of himself and runs. John has taken his place beside Mary and Mary Magdalene in the crowd. He is protecting Mary.

Judas runs back to the Sanhedrin and throws the money back at Ciaphus. He says, "I have made a horrible mistake. Please let Jesus go! He is an innocent man." Ciaphus only chuckles and says, "Take YOUR money and go." Ciaphus has wanted Jesus in his clutches a long time. Judas runs to the courtyard and seems to be loosing his sanity. Two children approach him and begin to taunt him. They jab him with sticks and their faces become distorted like little demons. More children/demons come and they chase Judas outside the city gates where he hangs himself.

The next morning the Sanhedrin take Jesus to Ponchas Pilot so that Pilot can give the order to have Jesus killed. Pilot finds no reason to kill Jesus and send him to King Herod who rules over the Galileans. Jesus is from Gallalie. King Herod, I am most assured is homosexual or bi-sexual. He is lover of pleasure and is spoiled rotten by riches. He only wants Jesus to perform some miracle for Herod’s own gain. Jesus refuses to respond to Herod’s teases and ploys so Herod calls him a fool and sends Jesus back to Pilot stating he finds no fault either. Pilot is at a cross roads. Caesar has already threatened to kill Pilot if there is any more bloodshed or uprisings in Jerusalem. If Pilot give the order to have Jesus killed then Jesus' followers will start a riot, but if he doesn't give the order then the Sanhedrin and Jews will riot. Either way, Pilot is a dead man.

Pilot decides to have Jesus scourged thinking perhaps this will satisfy the people.

This was the most horrific thing I have ever seen... this scourging. Remember how horrified you were when you caught the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. You know the scene at the beach. That was like a children's story compared to this scourging. Saving Private Ryan left my jaw dropped and in shock but this scourging... it left me ... changed forever. You saw each whelp the canes made. From Jesus' head to his feet. I immediately had a flash back of my own of all the beatings I received growing up by my father. Those were nothing compared to this. Jesus falls to his knees about 20 cane blows in. The Roman guards are thoroughly enjoying the pain their inflicting. Jesus rises again to his feet and this pisses the guards off so they get a better beating instrument. At first they pick up a stick with nails sticking out of the sides of it. My eyes widen. Then they lay it back down and pick up a whip. It has pieces of jagged metal and sharp glass tied on the ends of each string. The guard tests it out on a table. It snaps but gets stuck. the metal pieces wedge in the wood. The guard jerks the whip back and chunks of wood come up with it. The guard laughs evilly. Inside I am screaming, "NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!"

Mary watched it all. Jesus saw her standing there. He seemed to take some comfort in knowing his mother was there. Jesus has a flash back to a time he is building a table. A new kind of table. One that was tall and had tall chairs. A table for a rich man perhaps. People in the bible days always ate by sitting on the floor. Mary tried to humor Jesus but finally declared, "It will never catch on." Which offered some comic relief from the scourging. As they walked into their house to eat lunch Mary asked Jesus to wash his hands. She pours water on his hands and he cleans then an then playfully sprays his mother in the face. The audience laughs. Jesus is made into a real person.

Reality. The first strike sends 5 or 6 slices through Jesus' skin. Each about 5 inches long. Another strike and another. Over and over. One strike wraps around his face. The most gruesome strike is the one to his side. The whip digs into Jesus' flesh and won't relent. The guard tugs with all his might and huge hunk of flesh rips from the side of Jesus' body. You can now see three ribs exposes. I totally lost it. There were tears and snot and I wanted to scream, "YOU STOP IT! STOP HURTING MY JESUS!" What I was left with this: "Jesus I am sooooooooo sorry... sooooo sorry. Whatever my part... whatever I did... I am sorry. Sooooo sorry." Over and over again.

Finally it was over. Nothing left but a pool of blood. Pilot's wife approached Mary during the scourging and gave her fine linens to clean the blood up with. There was soooo much blood. Both Mary's begin to clean up the blood left behind. All I can think is "what precious blood." All I could do was cry. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house. Even the hardest heart was left in shambles.

Jesus is brought before the people again but they still want to crucify Jesus. Pilot is in awe of what they are asking. He looks at Jesus and then he looks at the people. He knows a wrong decision will get him killed by Caesar. He decides to make amends and to show good will to the people, Pilot gives the people a choice. That way they make the decision and not Pilot. Pilot could release one prisoner to the people for Passover. It was between Barrabus a murder and Jesus. Of course the crowd chooses Barrabus. Pilot is dumbfounded that they choose the murder over the innocent man. Pilot ceremoniously washes his hand and declares that Jesus' blood will not be on his hands. Jesus is sentenced to crucifixion.

The cross is huge and heavy. Jesus is wearing his tunic again. It must be excruciating to wear it after the scourging where his entire body is nearly skint alive. The Roman guards are cruel and they throw the cross on Jesus' back. Jesus struggles to carry the cross. It is a long journey to Golgotha (the place of the skull). The guards are beating him all the way. They have placed a crown of thorns where the long thorns are dug into his face and one eye. He is drenched in blood but he tries to carry his cross. The crowd are gathered around him. Cursing him. Spitting on him. Mary can't get close. John finds a way to get ahead of the crowd. Jesus falls again and again. Each time in agony. He falls before Mary and she has a flash back. As Jesus is falling she sees him as a child. He is running and playing and he falls down. He may be 3 or 4 years old. She runs to her child. She runs toward Jesus as he has fallen and the cross is crushing him to the ground. Both in reality and in her memory she is desperate to get to Jesus and protect him. At last she reaches Jesus through the crowd and goes to his side. She cries, "I am here, Jesus. I am here." Through it all Jesus weakly smiles and says, "Look mother, I make all things new."

I wanted to throw up right then and there. The sobs in the theater had turned to utter cries and I was joining in. This seemed so unfair. Even Tristian was borrowing tissues.

Mary catches a glimpse of Satan as he follows Jesus down the Via Dela Rosa (the way of suffering). He is drinking in the scene. Mary's eye follows Satan until he vanishes. Later Jesus sees Satan too and Satan is carrying a baby in his/its arms. When the baby turns towards the camera it has the face of an old man. It was a mockery.

Beaten so badly Jesus can no longer carry the cross and a person in the crowd is forced to carry the cross for him. This person is totally against getting involved in the crucifixion. But as he journeys with Jesus to Golgotha he for a moment is in the shoes of Jesus and begins to realize just who Jesus is. The man is terrified yet intrigued. Once Jesus and the cross are delivered to Golgotha the guards have to make the man leave Jesus' side.

The guards throw Jesus' cross down and slap him down on it. They tie one arm and open his right palm. They drive huge spike... not nail... spike through his hand. Blood gushes everywhere. It even drips through to the other side and down the back of the spike. One guard didn't like the way the first spike was done so he took over. He tied Jesus' arm down and began to pull. He pulled until he pulled Jesus' arm out of it's socket. The guard bragged, "That’s the way you do it!" I wanted to punch him. They then hammered another spike in his left hand and then gathered his feet together and put one spike through both his feet. Then they flipped the cross over so Jesus' face was in the dirt and hammered the spikes down so they would not come out. Then they threw the cross into a hole in the ground that would hold the cross in place. They weren't in the least gentle. The Sanhedrin made a special trip to the cross to taunt Jesus saying, "If your really the Messiah come down off that cross." Jesus could only pray, "Forgive them... they don't know what their doing."

There is no way I would be able to forgive at this point. No way. Jesus' heart must have been made of the purest gold to ever exist.

The other two men that were crucified beside Jesus were not even a tenth as battered as Jesus was. One cursed Jesus and the other declared he believed that Jesus was who he said he was. Satan must not have liked this because he took the form of a crow and landed on the believing guys cross and in an instance pecked his eyes out. The whole crowd gasped. It was awful.

Jesus stayed on that cross for hours. Scenes from his teaching to the disciples switched back and forth. Things he had said, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light. No man comes to the Father except through me." or "No man can take my life... for I lay it down." and "There is no greater love than a man lay down his life for a friend."

That is what Jesus had done. Laid down his life for a friend. For you, for me, and for the world.

Relief finally came when Jesus said, "It is accomplished." No sooner did Jesus get, "Father into you hands I place my spirit..." Jesus' one eye completely dilated and he was gone. His body went limp. The wind picked up scaring all the people. The earth started to quake and the temple was ripped in half and so was the Holy of Holy's curtain. The Sanhedrin were freaking out. Everyone was freaking out. The guards/soldiers went and broke the legs of the two criminals beside Jesus so they would die faster. When they got to Jesus they realized he was dead. The evil guard that pulled Jesus' arm out of socket handed a spear to another guard and said, "Make sure!" The guard rammed the spear into Jesus' side and water came rushing out like a sprung pipe. The guard was freaking out because he thought it was blood but he realized it was water.

Finally, they took Jesus down and Mary was there. She gathered him in her arms and held him. She wore a look of silent insanity on her face. My heart broke for her.

The final scene is one where sunlight is entering a tomb and the body wrapped in grave clothes is losing its form and disappearing. We see Jesus reappear beside it. There are a few claps from the audience. Jesus' face is set like flint once again. The music in the background that plays is not of celebration but of war drums. Jesus stands up and walks out of the tomb. He looks determined.

The entire audience didn't move as the credits began to roll. The lady to left of me was sobbing. Tristian on my right was looking green and sad. The teenagers beside him were bellowing out great sobs and big tears. No one moved. Everyone was stunned. The crucifixion was nothing like we had been told growing up. Nothing. We were faced with reality finally and we were utterly shocked. I don't think one person in that room will ever be the same. They will never watch another Jesus movie the same way. They will never celebrate Easter the same way with the same views. They will never erase the sacrifice that was made from their memories. Forever changed. That was what we were as we silently exited the theater with swollen faces and teary eyes. The next group in to see the movie that night starred at us in wonder. Concerned looks flashed across many faces. They didn't know what they were about to witness and I loved them all to much to not let them see it.

I finally realize what real unconditional love is. Thank you, Jesus. I am forever indebted to you.

I have been taking lots of pictures with my new digital camera. Thought everyone would like a peek at some of them:



Extreme Close Up of Tristian



Mom



Ceiling Damage: Thursday it rained all day and when I got home the bathroom floor was soaked. I looked up and this is what I saw. The building is brand new so why is there a leaky roof?



Firetruck: This fire truck was in front of the beer store just a few second prior to me taking this. No fire in sight... can anyone say, "BEER RUN!" ...And these are suppose to be our modern day heros.



Firetruck Flag: After all you have to be patriotic when making a beer run right?



Mystery Flowers: These are from a mystery sender... whoever could they be from? Hmmm. I have my suspicions.



Regional Office: This office use to take care of all the business/grant money/payroll for my office but since the merger we have to go through Montgomery. In a way, I am glad because that office really didn't care a rat's butt about my office.



Dead End Sign Next To Regional Office: Isn't this ironic... Dontcha think?



Tobie & Amelie Sunning



More of Tobie & Amelie Sunning: Aren't they getting big?



Tobie: This is the most affectionate pup and the most jealous.



Rocket at Space & Rocket Center in the Rocket City



Rocket at Space & Rocket Center in the Rocket City: Close Up



Hospital Metro:This little metro train goes from hospital to hospital in downtown Huntsville. Kinda neat.



Space Shuttle at Space & Rocket Center

Hope you enjoyed!

Ok, everyone that has emailed me and I haven't been too quick to answer. I appologize. I have just been pretty busy for the last... oh say... year..., you know how it is. Sometimes, I don't like to reply for the simple fact that it is a privacy thang and I don't have to defend everything I do to strangers that don't even know me. But I am nothing like that Emmeke in the UK that bawled me out that time and said that I was a troll online instead of through email because I told her she was a hypercondriac and anti-social. I didn't say those words (even though I meant them), I said it alot nicer. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings but encourage her to look for the good in her life. But enough said about that.

Sometimes my readers email me and ask me things about my life. Sometimes, I don't mind answering and others I do. But this is a no holds bar'd entry so I have went through my emails for this journal and if you have asked me a question, I am about to answer it to your satifaction or mine at least. If your question is not posted, I no longer have your email. I have changed the names of my readers to protect their privacy, everyone should be able to identify their own questions however.

Dear Ayrie,

I miss all your ravings about Tristian. You don't talk about him much anymore. At least not like before. What gives?

Addicted Alice

Dear Addicted:

I hadn't noticed that my Tristian updates were dewindling down but now that you have brought it to my attention... I guess your right. The only reason that seems to make sense is the fact that I started this journal a week before I got married. We were in love and so I talked about him constantly. Now that we have been married almost 3 1/2 years, I guess I have just settled into the idea of marriage and life and Tristian isn't mentioned every other word now. I will try to do better.

Ayrie

Dear Ayrrichelle,

Brad, Brad, Brad! I know your married so what is the deal with Brad? You said you have been friends for years, but who is he really? What does he look like this illusive Brad? How did you meet? What has kept your friendship alive? I don't have any friendships that have lasted "years." You should feel very blessed. Girlfriend, I want details!

A Curious Cat



Dear Curious:

Everyone wants to know about Brad. I been kinda mum's the word on Brad because I am afraid too many people want to see our friendship as anything other than innocent. So to respond is just asking for more inquiries. Now I regret the whole "no hold's barred" thing I said earlier.

Ahhhhh, Brad. One of my favorite subjects... where to start. I guess at the beginning... Lets start off with:



This is what Brad looks like. I hope he doesn't mind I am plastering his mug in my journal.

I met Brad on a blind double date when I was 15. I knew he was special right from the start. We met up a few more times but never really dated long term. Brad and I both agreed that we were both just too shy to tell each other we wanted to see more of each other. (Awww isn't that cute.) Years passed and we went on with our lives but we never forgot each other. About eight years later we started talking again and it was like we never stopped being friends. It was awesome. We lived in different states at the time. Brad had gotten married then and his son was two seconds from being born. We had a chance to see each other again but that totally blew up in our faces and again we stopped talking. The whole thing was a complete misunderstanding on both our parts.

Finally, last April, I had to know where he was and what he was doing so I tracked him down. I am very good at finding people. Brad was happy and relieved I didn't hate his guts. I was just glad we got to clear the air. We offered our truest appologies to each other for our parts in the "misunderstanding" and waved the white flag. By this time, I am married too but I never stopped missing Brad's friendship. Once we started talking again, no one could stop us. I know we talked straight for six months through email and phone conversations. He has quickly turned in to my closest friend. Of late Tristian has been a bit jealous of Brad, but I assured him that Brad and I are only friends. And we are. Brad has been talking about coming to see me soon so Tristian will get to meet Brad and all that silly jealousy stuff will just go away.

I know what your thinking. That men and women can't just be friends, but I beg to differ. Brad and I are "just friends" everyday. Because we dated a little I guess there are some flirtiness between us but never for a moment think we would ever act on any impulses. We are both married, we respect each other and each other's marriages. Brad is too much of a southern gent to pull that crap with me and I am could never break my promise to God or Tristian if it was in my power. So get your mind out of the gutter.

And there you have it in a nutshell, curious.

Ayrie

Dear Ayrie,

How is the reuniting with Fionnah going? You haven't mentioned a thing.

Abbie

Dear Abbie:

Fionnah is going through a lot of drama right now. She knows I am there for her if she ever needs me. Her house just recently burned down which totally sucks. She doesn't have a phone so I haven't really talked to her lately. We have emailed each other but just haven't gotten around to making plans together. We many just wait until her life settles down a little before getting together and rekindling our long lost friendship. It is worth it to me and I am not going anywhere.

Ayrie

Dear Ayrie,

Am I the "ex-bf" in your Never Again entry?

N

Dear N:

No, you are not the "ex-bf" in my Never Again entry. Yes, I did put alot into the relationship we had together but I never fell hard for you like I did this guy. Plus, you cheated on me...CHEATER! Please refrain from emailing me again.

Ayrie

P. S. I don't know how you got my journal address but lose it... pronto.

Dear Ayrrichelle (if that is your real name),

I think your journal/blog is a farce. It sounds like you make the whole thing up. This can't be your life.

Skeptical

Dear Skeptical:

I too sometimes can't believe it is my own life, but there it is... staring me in the face every morning. Nothing is made up in my "journal/blog" . The names have been changed to protect the innocent but everything is the honest to goodness truth.

Ayrie

Dear Ayrrichelle,

Your new cut is amazing! You look so sassy. Tristian must be a very lucky man indeed. You said that you donated your hair to Lots of Love. I can't find it anywhere online, can you help?

Gayle



Dear Gayle:

It's Locks of Love not Lots of Love. Here is the web addy: http:// www.locksoflove.org Hope this helps and thanks for the lovely comments.

Ayrie

Dear Ayrie,

You should name all your ex-bf's instead of just saying "ex-bf" I am getting too confused about who is who. Let me help you- Ex-bf #1, Ex-bf#2, Ex-bf#3, get my point? Exactly how many guys have you dated anyways? Were any of them serious? Also, you stopped talking about Travis? Did he die?

A Enquiring Mind



Dear Mind:

I guess I do sometimes make it unclear about which ex I am talking about but one can be illusive if they don't meantion names and no one's feelings get hurt. I only have shared my journal with one ex and if any other ones find it then it truly isn't my fault if they read something here that annoys the heck out of them. I am sure it has to do with reasons of why they are ex's after all. But I will try not to confuse anyone as best I can.

To answer your question, I probably have dated about 35-40 guys in my time. Only 4 were serious. So is that like a 1 to 10 ratio?

Now Travis, that is a good question. I guess we just lost touch after his second baby was born. Which sucks. Travis was cool, his wife the nicest person, and their babies the cutest things. If he wants to talk to me... he knows how to find me.

Ayrie

Dear Ayrrichelle,

Is it true you met your husband online in a chat room? Which room was it? Yahoo?

Looking

Dear Looking:

Yeah, I met my husband online. It was embarrasing to admit then but now we are fine with it because everyone does it. It is like the new craze or some junk. We met under a chat specifically for my state of Alabama. I just typed in " +Alabama +chat" and there I was ushered into ALchat. I bet your state has one too. I have dated other guys from other sites from my town on Yahoo too but they are harder to find. Of course, I haven't dated anyone since Tristian and I became officially bf & gf in August of '99 so I am not up to date on that kind of dating scene now. Tristian's user name was "princecharming" how could I resist.

Ayrie

That is enough from my mail bag for now. If you have more questions, please don't hesitate to send them to me at:

belovedaboveall@yahoo.com

I recently heard a song called Never Again that I really related to. Every once and a while, I will go on some wild tangent and talk about the guys I dated and what I saw that was both special and despicable about each. This song confronted me with one particular relationship that I involved in and solidified the feelings I have about it today. That feeling is that... yes, I still care about this person... only not on the same level. Unfortunately, it is a level that this person will never get a chance to obtain again at least not with me. Which is sad because I gave this relationship 110%. I fought for it even when it pushed me away with all its might. I saw what it was and what it could have been. That is what kept me holding on to hope.

Recently, this person contacted me and poured out his heart. This act made me realize that I could forgive... heck, I could even forget... but I could not go back and be that innocent girl again. I had changed.

They say, "Experience makes you wise." I think as I reflect back on this time in my life that I have gain some new found wisdom about love, relationships, people's intentions, regret, and resolution. It makes me value my relationship with my husband so much more. Tristian is head over heals for me. I can tell by the way he hangs on my every word. How he looks at me with so much passion that it often makes me blush ten shades of red. Its in the way, he always wants to be where I am... no matter what I am doing. Or how he is always the first one to say, "I'm sorry," even when it is not his fault. He has returned to my heart faith in love and I will forever be endebted to him for that. Tristian, honey, I love you.

Now for the lyrics to the song I heard. I hope it stirs something in you like it did me.

~~~~~

Never Again

Would have given up my life for you
Guess it's true what they say about love
It's blind
Girl/Boy, you lied straight to my face
Looking in my eyes
And I believed you 'cause I loved you more than life
And all you had to do
Was apologize

You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man/woman
That I used to be
When it was you and me
You didn't love me enough...

My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me, again

Sadness...
Has me at the end of the line
Helpless...
Watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness...
Only wants you back here with me
Common sense...
Knows that you're not good enough for me

And all you had to do
Was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man/woman
That I used to be
When it was you and me
You didn't love me enough...

My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me

I wish like hell I could go back in time
Maybe then I could see how
Forgiveness...
Says that I should give you one more try
But it's too late,
It's.
Over.
Now

You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man/woman
That I used to be
When it was you and me
You didn't love me enough...

My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me...
Again...

~~~~~

I bet everyone is dying to hear about the double date Tristian and I went on with my brother and a girl I know at my church. I guess I should give her a name... how about... Heather. Yeah, she looks like she might be a Heather. Don't worry I won't keep you in suspense any longer.

I spent the day Saturday cleaning house, retouching my color on my hair, and being amazed at Tobie's new found trick that I am beyond impressed with... I am down right tee'd off about. Tobie has recently realized that it is alot easier to hike his leg when he pees than to straddle like his been doing. He is so enthralled with the fact he can now point and pee that he has taken to peeing on my couch, my bookshelf, my kitchen table leg, my garbage can, and the laundry room door. I could kill him. He was house broken long ago but now feels the need to pee on everything. I have corrected him harshly each time he does this but it hasn't fazed him yet. If he keeps this up he will soon become an outside dog and fast.

But anyways that is another story entirely. Let me get back to the double date.

Heather showed up at my house right on the dot. I was still getting ready so she had to endure some Tristian wit filled conversation that I am sure included some jerring about my brother Thorne. Later, Tristian told me she said, "It looks nicer inside than I thought." To which I exclaimed, "What the heck is that suppose to mean?!?" My apartments were built just last year and are far from looking like a piece of crap... inside or out. Perhaps, Tristian missunderstood. That is entirely possible. Anyways, Thorne shows up minutes later just as I step out of the bedroom (ready to go). Thorne has a rose in a vase for Heather and I think he won some major brownie points. He did with me at least and I wasn't even his date. Tristian hasn't gotten me a flower in a long while. But I have it on good authority that there maybe a new Notebook P4 with wireless internet access in my near Valentines future. But this is strictly devishly wonderful rumor that I would like to indulge in for a while. Because if Tristian gets me a Notebook for Valentines Day, I am going to be loving that guy for ages to come.

There I go getting off subject again...

So we all pile into Thorne's car and go eat at The Olive Garden. One of my favorite restruarants. I have some good memories of dinner there-Tristian and my first Valentines Day dinner & my parents 30th anniversary. Tristian and I naturally take over all/most of the conversation and have Thorne and Heather laughing telling all our horrorible dates Tristian and I have had-like the date to Krystals, or the one where I set the table on fire at Calabria and our one armed waitress was trying to put it out, ... oh.. I could go on and on. When we got through with dinner it was raining outside. A drizzly kinda rain that was more annoying than anything else. We headed to the movies. We watched The Gospel of John . I know... not your average movie... right? But it was really good. I like biblical movies and this movie was very good if your into that kinda thing. There is another movie coming out soon that Mel Gibson directs, it is called The Passion and it is suppose to be about the last six hours of Jesus' life. I have a feeling it is going to be AWESOME!

After the movie, Thorne and Heather are talking none stop to each other. This is a very good sign. Mean while Tristian and I are in the back seat propping each other up because it is almost midnight and the movie lasted 3 hours. It took alot out of us. We get home and the rain has begun to pour down now. Tristian and I run inside for cover and Thorne and Heather stay outside in the car... I believe just talking. A little while later Heather comes in and gets her flower and leaves. Thorne makes sure she gets back to her car with out too much water damage and after she leaves he gets in his car. He stops at my door and I pop my head out. I asked him did he like Heather? He said, "Yeah... she's a real nice girl. I am going to meet up with her tomorrow after church." I smile and tell him good night. A second date... this is definately promising!

This morning I talked to Heather through email and she likes my brother too. She said she wanted to go out again sometimes and that she thought Tristian and I were a riot.

Mission Accomplished!

My office finally broke down and bought us new equipment. I now am the proud owner of a P4, 80Gig, 800Mhz computer. Complete with all the bells and whisels like Windows XP, Microsoft Professional 2003 with Word, Excel, and Outlook, DVD, CD-RW, floppy, video, speakers, and 17" monitor. I am currently grooving out to some desktop Evanescense which totally beats the headphone cd/radio combo I am use to where I can't hear anyone let alone the phones. Now I can listen AND hear what is going on around me too. Majorly cool.

The big wigs said the reason for the new equipment was because they had some money they had to get rid of before the company merged with our national corporation. Let me tell you, this whole merger thing is a mess. But it has yeilded nothing but goodness for me. As in new office equipment that should be updated every 4-5 years instead of every 7 years. I also heard that there is a significant pay raise in my future. Rumor has it that my office's pay scale will have to be brung up to the national corps average. Which means a few thousand more a year in my pocket. Doesn't that just shoulds heavenly? Plus, I got a sneak peek at the merger annual agenda (because it is gonna take a least a year to get everything running smoothly) and I noticed that there is going to be some kinda of convention getaway deal at the end of 2004. Mirage said it has been at least 10 years since she has attended one so that is big news.

Those are the only effects I will see from the merger. However, more may pop up but that will be ok. The new executive director seems nice and plans on meeting individually with each employee in Alabama before June. I don't know how I feel about that but lets hope she doesn't ask me to tell her the truth about Chase or Martin. Because I may just spill the beans about how lazy Martin is and how Chase does all the case work here. But then she may already realize this by the time she makes it this way.

I hope not too much changes. I like my job. Really I do. Only because I have so much free time I can pretty much do what I want when clients aren't around. Somedays I feel like I just have to show up to get paid. In a way, I would like to do more actual work but another side is enjoying the blessing of not beating my brains out everyday over stressful things.

Sorry to bore you with all the details of this merger but I realized I haven't even said a peep about it. So... PEEP!